Dear Diary,

I write. I write a lot. I have an obsecene amount of notebooks and journals and I often lose track of which one I am currently writing in. I even have some notebooks that look so extra special I am afraid to start writing in them in case what I write on the first page doesn’t do it’s beauty justice or that my handwriting won’t be neat enough. So, from this small introduction into my writing journey you will see that I overthink…like everything,  ALL THE TIME!

In fact, what led me to start my online journal was a bid to help me overcome my incessant overthinking and fear of judgement. I worry all the time I am going to offend someone if I say something the wrong way, so much so that I envy people I see online because they have the freedom and courage to say it as they see it regardless. My fear of offending someone genuinely holds me back on a day to day basis. Sometimes I am trying to be so aware of what I’m saying or doing I offend someone accidentally and it literally mortifies me.

So, from this moment forward, please know my intentions are good, my heart is kind and I am trying my best not to offend.

I often sit and ponder where my fear of judgement or offending someone comes from and it could be that my Grandparents were super old fashioned and things had to be a certain way. It could be that the harsh no filter, careless judgement I encountered from someone I had to live with as a teenager wounded me to the point of never wanting anyone to feel the hurt I did in those dark days. It could be that I am clinging on to the life I love that I don’t want to rock the boat karmically. It could be that I have made mistakes in the past and spent years trying to ease my guilt which led to a whirlwind of excessive guilt as an ironic twist of fate. Perhaps it is a mix of everything?

When I was younger I would write two diary’s. One that was the truth of how I felt but coded and another that was what I thought any prying eyes would want to read – paranoid much? Maybe this is where it started…a desperate need to people please…at one point in my life it became necessary for me to write just one fictional diary. I had to tell a happy tale in order to make my evil royal think I couldn’t see their evil ways to make life a little more bearable.

But since becoming a woman, a mother, a wife with a loving family and no need to write a fictional verison, I seem to have given myself time and space to overthink. How did I become this overthinking worrier?

I am a pretty carefree person when it comes to some things, usually big things. I will often say “it will all work out” and I know my friends would say I’m positive and hopeful. However, given a minute to myself, to think about what I want to do with my time, fear, panic and irrational thinking kicks in. I spent chapters 13-18 of my life in fight or flight mode. I was miserable, depressed, a victim of life and my torturers. I never had a moment of true happiness and so when I’m with my thoughts, I think my natural state is fear or preparation of panic.

Maybe that’s why my life is exactly as it is….maybe I have so much free time to decide what I want to do with it, that I am forced to make a decision (if that makes sense). I am the go to girl in a crisis, but no wonder! I thrive on stress, and a need to find a solution.

I struggle to think practically and methodically. I am erratic and chaotic. One minute I write about empowerment and everything I have learnt professionally, but also through life experience, and the next I am healing my inner child by writing poems about emotions I find hard to express or understand….but that chaos and lack of predictability is me I guess….so in the hope to find some routine, some sense of method and at least one line that seems to go straight instead of the muddled, knotted reflection of the way my mind works, having an online journal, will help me to worry less about my handwriting ruining my favourite notebook whilst provding one single hub for all my thoughts. In some way hoping to show that although sometimes I have it totally together, most times I don’t and if anyone can relate at all, then maybe I won’t feel like such an incredible confusing mess

B xx