Dear Diary,

(Remember I said I overthink – I also ramble random thoughts….this post is a mixture of those two characteristics just FYI)

So, I’m currently in the process of manifesting something BIG! My journey thus far in life with manifesting has been accidental, coincidental and nothing like I envisioned, much like many people I’m sure. I know I manifested the toxic relationships of my past, I also know I manifested my husband without realising, by just knowing I was done dating people who wouldn’t make me feel truly loved. I manifested my daughter, even without realising I ever wanted children. I manifested the big white wedding when growing up I would have said I never wanted to get married. I manifested the dream holidays we have enjoyed over the years. I manifested the beautiful home we currently live in. I manifested the perfect premises for our shop. All of these things felt completely effortless.

The thing is when I think I know what’s best for me and I desperately envision it, becoming so attached to the outcome, it never seems to transpire. When I put my order in without realising it is what we need in our life, it effortlessly, almost magically transpires.

Going back to my first online diary entry (yesterday), I would normally worry about mentioning all the wonderful things in my life, through fear of those that it may annoy or upset. But the life I enjoy has not come without challenges, trauma and trials along the way. In fact I used to feel like I had to explain all of my past pain in the hope it would make people less judgemental and more accepting of my worthiness of the life I live. But the one thing I have learnt is that even those closest to you, won’t always be happy for you, even if they have seen your struggles first hand. So, I need to feel worthy of my life more than I need to convince others of my worthiness.

Right now, I am at a crossroads. I am manifesting one big dream. I am co-conspiring with the energetic forces of the universe that have always served me so well to deliver this to me. I have got specific about what I want, the timeframe in which I want it and left the rest to the power that has always guided me so well up to this point. This leads me onto a big life question I keep exploring…

What is it that helps me? Well, that’s a little harder to explain. I have a unique relationship with faith. Faith being by definition;

1.complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

“this restores one’s faith in politicians”
Similar: trust, belief,confidence, conviction, credence, reliance, dependence, optimism, hopefulness, hope, expectation
2.strong belief in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual conviction rather than proof.
“bereaved people who have shown supreme faith”
Similar: religion, church,
I have complete faith that everything always works out as it’s meant to and with my best interests aligned. How? That’s the bit I back and forth with. Somedays I simply trust an energtic, universal force. Other days I feel the name God is everywhere I turn. Are these the same thing? I am not educated enough on religion to have an answer myself, but putting google to the test again for the purpose of this, I feel God makes sense to me. An energetic force with no materialistic body, neither man nor woman, that loves all. That is how I would describe the universal power I feel I look to. So why do I struggle with the name “God”? I think maybe because it can cause so much conflict to have a definitive belief in something you cannot see. I admire and am in awe of people who implicitly trust and know their God. I have a friend who is a devout christian and I love this about her. In fairness her upbringing is what allows her to trust in this, maybe the lack of religion one way or another is why I feel so confused about this life? Maybe that is how I am meant to feel?
The one deal I have made with myself, is that I am a complex, malleable being and I am open to change. I have no “set in stone” beliefs or opinions. Therefore I trust that whatever, whoever is responsible for all the good and bad in the world, has my back, and as long as I focus on looking for the lessons (even the global lessons) in the difficult times, always striving to find the positive in all situations, I am doing the best I can. I’m not sure why my question about faith seems so prominent at times, and other times the trust in some higher power regardless of name is enough. I guess my life will keep unravelling and the fluidity of my personality may lead me to an answer I can comfortably settle on or I may forever question the source of this invisible, but almost palpable energy I open myself up to sensing.
Gratefully Yours
B x