Dear Diary,

In usual summer fashion the days have flown by, and I have been blessed with some lovely family time which is a good excuse as any as to why I haven’t journalled for a few days. But over the last few days I have felt a surge of contentment, a release of control and a knowing of a manifestation. I feel I have reached a point where I can feel worthy, confident in myself, knowing what I want and also making peace with the fact anyone that doesn’t think I am worthy is really none of my business and their prerogative to feel. Where does this random thought come from…well if I had been journalling every day for my whole life, I would have disclosed the fact that; what I think other people think of me (not necessarily what they actually think) really has weighed heavily on me throughout my entire existence. So much so I have spent the last twenty years almost trying to prove I am a person I am proud to be instead of what I assume people think of me in the hope it would gain me acceptance – spoiler alert, it didn’t.

Accepting myself, I have tried to remind myself often of this Dr Zeus quote “those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter” is so true. After years of tirelessly trying to prove I am an ok person, I have gained the acceptance of lots of people, but did it fulfil me? No! I still didn’t accept myself. Until now. In all honesty, the realisation that I struggled with the most was that it is far more hurtful to be openly judged by someone you love than it is to possibly be spoken about by complete strangers. Making this peace with myself has really helped in so many ways, and long may it last. It’s allowed me to be authentically me, enjoying the blessings instead of feeling guilty or feeling like I have to explain why I may deserve the life I have created when some of those I felt close to begrudged me happiness has made a difference. It has grown my confidence and made me ask for more, whilst being less afraid of their reaction. I realised that in playing it safe and keeping myself small did nothing to improve their situation or even their perception of me, but it did make me miserable.

So, the last few days…I worked at the shop on Saturday and spent Sunday in my PJ’s! The husband cooked a beautiful roast for us, and we just vegged and watched old videos of our previous holidays to get us in the spirit for the next one. On Monday, the Husband had a couple of reiki sessions which meant the house felt incredibly chilled! We then went to watch Teenage Mutant ninja turtles movie which I was a bit sceptical about because of the style of animation, but walking in and seeing so many familiar faces of customers that come in our shop working there, literally warmed my heart! They also convinced me to buy all the TMNT promo products while J was busy getting a parking ticket!

Monday Evening, the youngest was extremely emotional when he went to bed, I think a mixture of tiredness and boredom, along with a few misunderstandings throughout the day. I sat with him and asked him to explain why his day had been so terrible one situation at a time. When he did that, I could see each situation from his point of view and offered him validation along with another perspective. I explained that while it isn’t an excuse, stress’s completely unrelated to him can sometimes cause a knock-on effect which in turn had made him feel the effects of us being tired and overwhelmed by life stuff. I asked if I could spend the day with him the following day, doing lots of fun activities. We wrote a list of things we were going to do the next day.

The next day came, and I instantly felt a tinge of regret at making this list! I was so tired and would rather have tried bribing him into a duvet day! However, I think one of the reasons I made the list with him was to make sure these things happened…so off to the park we went with my niece, nephew and mum. He got to play for a couple of hours, and we had lunch at the park – one item done! Then we had written we would bake cakes, we drove to Tesco got the ingredients and he was saying how tired he was – one of the items on the agenda was watching a movie at home, so I suggested we do that next and it meant I could get a nap in! Bingo, second task done. Then we baked, baked and baked some more! We made a lemon drizzle tray bake, 12 chocolate chip rock cakes, 12 cherry rock cakes, and 12 raisin rock cakes – third activity done! We also agreed to sit and do some of his Big Life Journal, which we actually did before we went to the park, and I thoroughly enjoyed this activity. Hearing him talk about things from his point of view and being able to share with him a different outlook on one topic so he could see how often you need to believe in yourself allowed him to see how brave he is! Then we set about cooking dinner together as per our list, however we actually cooked a lasagne that needed eating before it went out of date and tomorrow, we will cook the concoction he has written up to cook. What a lovely day. I admit, when I woke up it would have been much easier for me to say I’m too tired or I can’t do everything but seeing it through made us both really enjoy each other’s company. My only fear now, is that he may get emotional again, seeing the win he got from last time!

Gratefully yours

B xx