Once Upon a Lost Mind!

There may be something in the air, or maybe I have just been too in my head, but the usual excitement and hopefullness I feel for brand new year, a new journal, a new start has been MIA for me this year! The more I tried to find it the further from my reach it appeared to be…until today.

I would see glimpses of hope, sparks of excitement, but my mind was plagued with post trauma flashbacks, reliving difficult memories, I felt anxious, scared and hopeless. My husband was, as he always is, my rock. I laid with him one evening feeling safer in that moment than I ever have in my entire life. I knew I had everything I could ever dream of, maybe I was scared of losing it all. The past two years had shown us how fragile and precious this life is, but I was becoming hung up on my past, taunted by my torturers in my head, fearful of the furture, worried about all things I couldn’t control – which is quite unlike the person I am today.

I have prided myself on the fact I relinquish control of things beyond me and that I cannot plan for, but right now,  I was taking the world’s bait and it was bringing me down. Any time anyone asked me what I thought of the economy my usual “it will all come out in the wash” attitude was replaced with “Oh my god, I have been so ignorant – I have no idea what is going to happen, maybe we will crumble before we ever even made it, maybe I have been fighting so hard for a life I don’t actually deserve and the second I relax the rug will once again be pulled from under me”. I was worried that this time next year we would be facing homelessness! We know that this time next year we are likely to be moving, but do I need to worry about that now? NO! I know our new business is in it’s infant stages, but has it proven successful so far? YES, so why am I all of a sudden worried about anything and everything I have no control over?

When I sought the help of a counsellor to help me make peace with my past and let it go, I began to see how far away from myself I had drifted. Every suggestion the counsellor made to help me, I had already done ten times over. I sank a little deeper into despair, took what I felt I needed from the counselling and retreated inwards (as best I could given the state my mind appeared to be in).  My husband did a reiki session on me with his Jedi like healing hands, and even then I found it hard to switch off like I normally could, however, again took what my mind, body, and soul needed from it.

Fast forward a couple of days and I felt called to do a meditation I haven’t done in too long! It was magical and gave me all the answers I have been searching for! You see, oftentimes the hardest thing to figure out is what’s staring you right in the face. As I tried to calm my mind images came spiralling through my head. Our childhood family pets, toys from childhood and I realised I had been neglecting the one part of me that has been taking control and completely wreaking havoc one my life – My inner child! During the meditation I found myself seperating from my inner child and allowing her to play with our chidhood furry friends, and all the toys I once adored, whilst I sought counsel from a higher place. I came around from the meditation understanding what I needed to do, what I had been doing, and why.

I speak with people all the time helping them heal through their inner child, but I had neglected my own warning signs so much I had given a younger, fearful and anxious version of me the reins on my life and it was finally so obvious. The first thing I did was write her a letter, explaining how I understood why she felt so scared, when it all triggered her, but most importantly that I have in fact got this and we are both safe, loved and have lots to look forward to.

What triggered my inner child was being so prominent in our small town after years of being at home in a happy bubble with my young children and husband, able to avoid all the people who had hurt me in the past, as well as people I had hurt or reminders of mistakes I had made, which allowed me to keep my inner child happy and protected, but now we were finally being faced almost daily with people who once upon a time, gave me something to feel anxious about. All of a sudden I was worried about what people may say or think if they had only heard my Villains side of the story and judged me because of their lies. Would they be able to see there are three sides to every story – their’s, mine and the truth. I had spent years healing the trauma left by these Evil Royals, and now their scars left behind were beginning to feel so raw. I had to take a leaf out of my literal own book!

How do we deal with Evil Royals?

Understand there are different options – Confrontation, justification, self-satisfaction.

Was I willing or did I even want to, confront them? They seemed to be everywhere I turned, or linked to most people I met. Confrontation was not my forte – it would be my undoing – when I become confrontational my inner child has a habit of rearing her head and overtaking, leaving me feeling embarrassed and worst of all I never get the points across that I wanted to make anyway. I also felt, one of my Evil Royals would love nothing more than the attention of me reacting.

Justification? I was feeling downtrodden because these people that got to hurt me in unimaginable ways when I was just a teenager, had never had to say sorry, never had to pay for what they did, in fact, they walked around as if I was the villain spreading their lies and one-sided stories. I couldn’t believe people could be foolish enough to believe their lies – but then the fear was, these people had the right to believe what they wanted. Was I going to go up to everyone I met and tell them my life story just in case they had heard a warped version of how things really went down? Or was I better off trusting that the people that matter most in my life; my husband, children and close friends, know me. They know the person I am and they know that to become the person I have become, a person they love and care for, I have overcome challeneges that may have been unfair, but were sent my way anyway. I don’t have to convince them or even tell them any side of things for them to like me. If someone chooses to hear a story and believe it, and judge me because of someone else’s version of things, I will learn to accept that. Their judgement of me based on hearsay’s does not define me. I do not need to win a competition of ego’s or even truth’s, I know my truth, they know theirs. I am at peace with who I am and most significantly, I am safe and protected from their evil ways now that I am a grown woman with more intellect, wisdom and strength than all of them put together.